“Jurassic Park 3” (1993)
Franchise: Jurassic Park
How Threequel-y Was It: What’s striking about those first two “Jurassic Park” films is just how secretly nasty they could be, a surprise coming from Steven Spielberg, known to protect women and children first. As a result, “Jurassic Park 3” begins with some atonal b.s. about a hang gliding kid that would fit quite nicely in the CV of some eighties-era Spielberg wannabe, which makes it no surprise that this third installment is helmed by Spielberg fanboy Joe Johnston. The idea of using a second island in “The Lost World: Jurassic Park” was somewhat tolerable, but then revealing there’s another island, with a host of new dinosaurs, seems craven even by genre standards, and a step down from the “Lost World” finale that put a T-Rex in San Diego. Everything feels a bit more off-brand in “Jurassic Park 3,” like they’re conscious about forcing this into a continued story even if it’s the first of the three films not based on a book. Now the raptors communicate. Now the T-Rex fights the Spinosaurus. And Dr. Alan Grant (Sam Neill) isn’t enough: he has to have a handsome young sidekick that jumps into the action headfirst. Yeah, guys, Alessandro Nivola didn’t happen, and we have contempt for how you tried to make him happen.
Where does it rate in the franchise? 3/3 Worst. Joe Johnston is no Steven Spielberg.
“Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines” (2003)
Franchise: The Terminator
How Threequel-y Was It: The third in this time-spanning franchise opens on an intriguing hypothetical: what if you prevented the destruction of the world, but no one could ever possibly know? As a result, humanity’s savior John Connor (Nick Stahl) is now a broke drifter, going from leader of the resistance against the evil Skynet to unkempt vagrant and addict, an element of the film given added dimension by Stahl’s latter-day tabloid adventures. The return of the T-100 gives him purpose, and it’s great to see a grizzled, broken-down Arnold Schwarzenegger in this iconic role again as he pretends that it’s 1992 forever. But the first forty-five minutes of “Terminator 3” play out like “Terminator Dinner Theater,” particularly with a needless emphasis on a PG-13 rating. Credit where credit’s due: the third film lacks the existentialist dread of the second film and the distinct horror of the first, but director Jonathan Mostow wisely compensates with sheer wall-to-wall destruction. Entire city blocks are felled as Schwarzenegger does battle with an upgraded new villain (Kristanna Lokken, sadly no Robert Patrick), ensuring that if this was going to be a rung underneath the first two films, it would at least be a violent rung. “Rise Of The Machines” eventually closes on a surprisingly downbeat note, one that both effectively honors the spirit of the James Cameron films but also establishes a new status quo, taking the series in a new direction.
Where does it rate in the franchise (to that date)? 3/3 So — worst. But superior to the later “Terminator Salvation.”
We capped our list at 25 out of consideration for your scrolling fingers, but we could have gone on and on. Some of the ones we regret having to leave off include “Jaws 3D” — after all, “Jaws” was the first blockbuster of them all, and the progressively increasing terribleness of its sequels also set something of a trend. 3D gimmickry, none of the original cast returning, and shoddy effects are what “Jaws 3D” delivers, but, though we’re not huge fans of the Rotten Tomatoes system, we do get a snicker seeing how no. 3’s appalling 12% is blown, yes out of the water, by Michael Caine‘s finest hour “Jaws: The Revenge“‘s 0%.
“Twilight” too was at one point a trilogy and ‘Eclipse‘ is probably the best of any of them bar the first, as little as that says. “Men in Black 3” scrabbled back some of the goodwill lost on no. 2; “Blade: Trinity” is the least of the “Blade”s but was a little unfairly vilified if you ask this writer; while “Revenge of the Sith” was the best of the “Star Wars” prequels if only because it was the only one that featured something we actually wanted to see instead of more stuff about trade embargoes and galactic tax law. “Goldfinger” is an interesting one to consider as an early proto-blockbuster, and to this day is a high watermark in the James Bond canon; “Army of Darkness” is hardly a threequel at all — though we do enjoy it greatly, it shares little DNA with the fabulous “Evil Dead” and “Evil Dead 2” except a chainsaw and Bruce Campbell‘s chin; we’re reliably assured that “Resident Evil: Extinction” is better than ‘Apocalypse‘ that came before it, but not as good as the first; while fellow cheapie female-led action horror franchise ‘Underworld‘ went with a prequel for its threequel in “Rise of the Lycans” and managed to keep the fires burning, even without Kate Beckinsale in PVC.
“The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor” is terrible, but controversially, we rate it somewhat above the also terrible “The Mummy Returns“; “Beverly Hills Cop 3” is a crime against that franchise; “The Karate Kid 3” is as by-the-numbers a retread of past glories as we’ve had the misfortune to watch; “Star Trek: The Search for Spock” is often unjustly overlooked, but was a solid third entry back in 1984; “Scream 3” has a couple good set pieces (like Neve Campbell being stalked through a Hollywood set version of her original home), but is largely inelegant and not in the least bit scary, so ranks as the least successful in the entire series; “Robocop 3” is a dull pounding headache of a film in which all vestiges of wit or originality from the original are gone; speaking of which, “Rambo 3” fits the same mold.
There are loads more we left out, especially comedies and cultish favorites that didn’t maybe quite fit the “blockbuster” mold, but still, this is a fun game, so feel free to join in below about how you can’t believe we skipped “Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles” or whether or not “Look Who’s Talking Now” is ripe for reappraisal. –– Jessica Kiang, Drew Taylor, Gabe Toro, Kimber Myers, Rodrigo Perez, Kevin Jagernauth.
